there's a timing for everything.

and now,it is time for maturity.2008 one of the hardest year i've been through. But now, its still too early to say anything.
But i see ripening of harvests end of this year and now, its the season to plough. To conceive and gestate.
I see warriors, fighters and knights charging into darkness. Fearless and bold, they have victory engraved in their hearts like word engraved on their swords.

yet, another side of me manifests fear, doubts and hopelessness.
"maybe they are not going to make it afterall".
"maybe they are just fools holding on to what they make up"
" perhaps its just too tough"
"im just not strong enough"
"sigh, why cant i just choose the easy way out?"

well guys, im sure you all have these thoughts running through your mind during certain phases of your lives. We always want the best of something, dont we? However, we seem to be always caught in between... why?
i've been pondering over this question for sometime and i've met people who have had great visions[actually everybody has] and they seem to lament over that. People constantly whine and complain, feeling overwhelmed by this and that, yet at another moment, high and happy. i was like that too. But i've changed. i know how to use my mind for a greater cause and all these are possible only through God.

Some might say, but i have no qualms controlling my mind! yea, true. But can you last? Throughout my lifetime(though short one), i believed in myself. Cause my sister's like that, so i emulate after them. Soon, i found out that somethings are just too HARD. i just cudnt balance. On one hand, i wanted to friends that i can hangout with, on the other, i want to be great and mighty. My relationship with my family was bad, cause i dislike being nagged at and kept repeating the same mistakes( hoo xinyi,this might be a good part to understand your brother!) cause i just couldnt be bothered to change or tried to,but felt that its too hard. I've been juggling with lots of things and i just want the best out of everything. But i cant and my mind was constantly in a turmoil.i cried( yes, guys cry too okay.but always secretly) and just felt like shit.

But by faith,things changed. im more than a conqueror. dreams seem nearer like never before. And the faith i mean here, i not pure naive-ness, but faith that has been tested, stood still and grew.

At the cross-road of our lives now, we can choose. Everyone in their right mind would choose the former. But how its gona happen? I know my answer. Yours?Are you going to press in when the going gets tough? 6weeks to go..

Time to mature...
This time its a whole new level, whole new battle.
Im gona be that knight.Charging into unchartered territory with faith.

i know what im going to see.
I just cant see light yet.Neither can an embryo undergoing gestation...
Guarding my mind and heart with all diligence!

i've been praying my family.
i feel so burdened for them because im eager to bring them to salvation.
im eager for the harvest to ripen and i can bring my WHOLE family to church.
i can just see that my WHOLE family going church together;its no longer myself.
no more mrts, but by family car.
as i think about these, tears just begin to well up in my eyes....

yea..and through the things that happen around my family, things start to Reveal.
i love the books written by mitch albom..
i've come to realise that the lives that we have and the things that we experience is similiar to our parents'. Perhaps there might be different outcomes due to different things that happened, but it is just so natural for parents to pass down their experiences to us. My life is like a reflection of what is lacking in my parents. Especially my dad. i used to complain about people not celebrating my birthdays and i would really feel disappointed if my friends forgot my birthday and long so them to surprise me. sounds silly? but that was what i felt. i didnt tell anyone cause "its my birthday, its meant to be a surprise." i always measure friendship through circumstances and one of the yardsticks was my birthday of course. However, ever since i became part of heart of God church, my birthday doesnt feel so important anymore. Dont get me wrong here, i mean i'll love to celebrate other people's birthday, but i just dont treat my birthday so important. To me, its a special day and it marks a need for more maturity and responsiblity. I would look forward to it,but it doesnt hurt even if no one celebrates for me.

yea, that was quite a chunck of stories about me, but i have not come to the main point yet! Since Fathers' day is coming, i conversed with my mum about it.
i asked her what should we do, and her reply hit me because it is the exact same phrase i would have said last time and had always said.
" why must help him celebrate?Mothers' day he also didnt celebrate for me" ( direct translation.)
then it just dawned upon me that my parents are like me too!( because i seldom talk to my parents in the past as they were constantly naggin' and demoralising me when i needed help) As i had 14 whole years living with my AH GONG, i know how is he like.
He lived for his work and seldom communicate. He is like a king in our house and everyone would please him.( although i have never seen him bursting out, i've heard stories and saw minor instances of TERROR)
he will never celebrate someone's birthday.really,seriously. i dont even know when is his. nobody mentioned about it before. And i hv NEVER witness a birthday that was dedicated to my dad.
how can i compare to my dad? i can just imagine the struggles and pain that he has to go through in his early days. He has already hardened.
( to side track abit, i shall talk about my mum)
As i was really eager to share the transformation that i underwent, i dont know when but i shared about my sucidal past and how has it changed. and my mum shared of HER sucidal past too. She said that a point of her life, her siblings ignored her,boycotted her, she hit SO LOW that she wanted to XXXXXX. i can feel it now. Her life was built upon her siblings, thats why i mattered so much. * i feel soo heavy now in the heart now*

so even an small act would make them happy.Just an act of remembrance. That's why my mum and my sister loves to remeber things about each other. My dad is more like me. Forgetting things. haha.

now about my sister.
my sister,hmmmmm, i hv yet to find out about this area of her life. But i know she is the one that remembers EVERYTHING. hahaha, sometimes really scary.

okay, actually that is all i wanted to say.
in short, WE KNOW OUR FAMILY BEST. its just how much you want your family to be saved.
and i look that these, i marvel at God. how Awesome is Him. i can see all these is because of Him. ( though if my sister sees this, she will not agree with it.) it is Him that can put all these things into the heart of a boy who never seem to love others. How can this be possible if a person speaks things negatively to a boy who would always do things the opposite way? since young i would do things opposite of authority because i didnt like to be ordered around.
*sis, if you see this, i would want to tell you, that God is REAL. and its just different if you really know Him...

and now to something else.
as i always wondered why should we read the bible and build up the logos knowledge before God can put Rhema word inside our hearts.
and God again is truely and indeed amazing.
in "for one more day" by mitch albom,
there is this part about what is an echo...
that how charley's mum still lives in him although she has died already.
about an echo. that the source has disappeared,but there is a persistance of the sound when its quiet after the source is gone....
THE WORD OF GOD IS LIVING.
Jesus is not in the natural world now, but He is living in us..
through the WORD of God, it has been MADE FLESH.
that is why the bible is so important...it is the only way that we can grow closer to God...and it is only when we are quiet inside that we will hear God's voice resonating in our hearts..its longer like something so holy molly,that God suddenly descending to Earth but really, it makes complete sense that why some people are able to hear from God all the time while some others feel dejected that God's not revealing to them.

i was totally blown away by this you know, after i read it.
i couldnt explain how i really felt to xuejun and yinglin at the library,so i just asked them to read it and typed this out...

lastly, i would like to tell you guys that mitch albom's a christian.
so his books are really.woooosh.

God's so real.

we all started out as infants and now we are all young adults.

some are high-flyers, some are not.
some are driven, some are not.
some are loved, some are not.
some are seeking love, some have found it.
some are moving in circles, some have found purpose in life.

what is your life built on?
is it acheivements?that you constantly seek to feel a sense of wantedness and attention?that you will one day be great and wow,"im on the top of the world" feeling? it will fade.definately. do you think you can be like Andre Agassi who won so many championships? maybe.but would you end up the same way as he did, losing in such an awkward manner. perhaps you say, i will not. but he too, im sure, is certain that he'll clinch the title and be a significant person in history...

all these might sound depressing.
indeed it is. many of us are constantly living in such a way. then they turn to friendships.but when they realise that it aint working out, its depression man.
i used to be like that.
i liked attention. people said" i hate attention-seekers" me too. i just liked to be recognised.

but how many of you know that if you invest on temporary things, the things you gna have are temporary too.

i've found the answer to fill my hole in my heart 1.5 years ago.
im not ashamed at all, for i know its real.absurd it might sound, but the answer is Jesus Christ who came to save us from our sins 2000years ago.
i longer struggle for things.
because i know theres someone who cares for me 24/7. And He has given me friends that i can really call them best friends. we fight for the same God and encourage each other. Im no longer protective of my belongings because i trust my friends.

God is LOVE :):):):)

SIGNIFICANCE.

to live life the right way.